I found out I was pregnant on March 22, 2007. I had been on fertility pills the month before, and was curious to see if they had worked. I really didn’t think that I was pregnant, but decided to check anyway. I took the test and it was positive, but I didn’t believe it, so later that afternoon, I took another one. It was positive also, but I still wasn’t a believer. That night I went to work at a lady's house, where I helped her with her twins at night. I told her I thought I might be pregnant and she insisted that I take another test. I did, and it was positive as well. I was starting to believe. Just to make sure, though, I bought an expensive digital test to take the next day. When it turned out positive, I decided that I was definitely pregnant.
Jack and I were leaving to go to Las Vegas for a small vacation that day, so we took Cambria and Jacobus to breakfast at Subway before we left. Jack was talking about how much he was going to miss the kids while we were gone and I said, “Well, if it’s any consolation, we’ll have one of them with us”, and handed him the positive test. He said, “You little shit!” We’d wanted a baby for a while, and even though we’d kind of decided to wait until we got to Virginia, we were both very excited.
On our trip to Las Vegas we went to the Coke store and bought a tiny red sweatshirt and a Coke hat for the baby. I thought it was so cute and couldn’t wait to see the baby wear it for the first time. We used the sweatshirt later to tell Cambria and Cobie about the baby. When we got home, we laid out the presents we’d gotten for them on the table and put the sweatshirt on the chair. After Cambria and Cobie had looked at all the stuff we’d brought back to them, we showed them the sweatshirt and asked them who they thought it would fit. They couldn’t come up with anyone, so we told them that we were going to be having a baby soon. Cambria was so excited, and Cobie had no idea what was going on.
We were so excited to tell everyone. We’d talked about waiting for awhile to tell people, but we were too excited to keep it a secret for long. I think we only kept it a secret for about a week. We told Marcy and Lynn by making each of the kids T-shirts. Cambria’s said, “Big Sister 2007” and Cobie’s said, “Big Brother 2007”. They wore their shirts over to the Aeschbacher’s house and we waited to see who would figure it out first. It was fun, and everyone was very excited.
We told my Mom and Dad on their anniversary, March 31. When we gave them their present, the card said, “from Cambria, Cobie, and baby.” They were very excited. Mom said she’d been expecting the news for months.
We had our first doctor’s appointment on April 6th. Jack came with me because we were seeing a new doctor and I wanted him to meet her. On our first visit, we actually saw her Physician’s Assistant. She wanted to do an ultrasound to determine how far along we were. She had just found the heartbeat when I saw another little flutter to the left of the first heartbeat. I leaned forward a little to get a better look just as she said, “I see two, do you see two?” Jack and I said together, “Yeah, we see two.” That’s how we found out we were having twins.
Jack was laughing, and I started crying immediately, not because I was upset, but because I was so happy. I said a prayer right then thanking my Heavenly Father for answering my prayers. When I first found out I was pregnant I started praying to Heavenly Father to send me twins. I’d always add, hesitantly, “Twin girls if possible”. Then, just pushing my luck I’d request, “And could they be identical?” I knew Heavenly Father had listened to at least part of my prayers and I was so excited about these two babies that would be joining our family. One baby measured at 7 weeks 2 days, and the other one measured at 7 weeks 6 days. Our due date was set at November 23rd. I made it my goal to be pregnant on Halloween. I so much wanted to carry these babies to term.
After we left the office that day, we went and told EVERYONE!!! My mom was the first stop we made. She was at work, and we went in and showed her the ultrasound picture. She said, “Oh, it’s so cute.” I said, “Mom, it’s not an IT, it’s a THEY”. She almost screamed she was so excited. In fact, when we went into her office to call my Dad, the lady she sits next to said, “Well, I heard your mom scream out there, so I thought it must be something big.” I called Dad and said, “We had our first ultrasound today, and when they were looking for the heartbeat, they found two.” He was very excited for us.
Then we went to Jack’s Mom's house where she was having a Relief Society Presidency meeting. We showed her the ultrasound picture and told her we were having twins. She just kept saying, “No way, no way!” She was shocked and excited.
Everything seemed to be going great. We had a few more ultrasounds and every time, all we heard was, “They both look great”. On May 29th, we had another ultrasound. They both measured 8.84 cm crown to rump—they were the exact same size. On June 22, when I was about 18 weeks along, we went in for another ultrasound to find out if we were having boys or girls. My mom went with me to help with Cambria and Cobie. I wanted them to see the babies on the T.V. screen (Cambria was very disappointed that we didn’t get to bring them home that day—when I said we were going to see the babies, she figured they were being born and would come home for her to play with).
During the ultrasound we found out that Baby A was a girl and Baby B was very modest—we couldn’t tell the gender. I noticed during the ultrasound that the tech was hanging out on the upper right side of my stomach quite a bit—right where Baby B was. She finished her exam and said that another tech was going to come in and look around a little. She said that he usually wanted to come in and look at twin cases, so I wasn’t too concerned. When he arrived, they both started looking at the ultrasound again, and again I noticed that they were paying a lot of attention to Baby B. They were mumbling to each other a little, so I didn’t catch a lot of what they said. But I did hear her say, “I couldn’t find that baby’s bladder.” He just nodded, and then started talking to me. He explained that in some cases of identical twins, the babies will share some blood vessels in the placenta, causing one baby to not have enough blood, and the other baby to have too much blood. That’s about all I understood of what he was saying, but I just kept thinking, “They are not identical; we were on fertility pills. There is no way they can be identical.” The only way the twins could be having this problem was if they were sharing a placenta, and the only way they could be sharing a placenta was if they were identical. I just kept thinking that if they would just keep looking, they would see that Baby B was a boy and this whole thing would be worked out as a silly mistake.
That day they set up an appointment for me to see some specialists that come from Salt Lake each week. I was to see them on July 5th. I didn’t worry too much through that week because I just kept reassuring myself that the chances of the babies being identical were slim and none. I had myself convinced that the specialist would do an ultrasound, tell me the other technicians were crazy, and send me home with a good story to tell the babies when they were older.
On July 5th I went to see the specialist at the hospital. His name was Dr. Belfort. He and Dr. Ball, his partner who looks a lot like a mix between Bon Jovi and Kevin Bacon, took turns coming to Idaho Falls from Salt Lake each week. My sister went to the appointment with me because Jack had to work and, with the confusion of the last ultrasound, I wanted someone there to help interpret what was going on. By this time we had decided on names for the babies, assuming that they were both girls (I had thought all along that one was a boy). Baby A would be named Charlie Belle, and Baby B would be named Chelsie Bethe.
During the ultrasound with Dr. Belfort, he confirmed that the babies were identical twins and that they had something called TTTS (twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome). Charlie was getting too much blood, which was causing her to show early signs of heart failure. He explained that, because she was having to process too much blood, she was peeing out a lot more fluid than usual. This caused her to be in a huge sac of fluid. Chelsie was the donor twin, and was not getting enough blood. This caused her kidneys to never start working. She was basically shrink wrapped in her sac because there was no fluid around her. She was also at risk for heart failure, but was not showing any signs of it. Dr. Belfort immediately scheduled me for a surgery for the following day in Salt Lake. He even offered to fly me back with him that night. During the surgery, the doctors would go in and burn some of the vessels that the babies were sharing, and that would hopefully fix the problem. He said that without surgery, we had a 90% chance of losing both babies before delivery. With the surgery, we had a 70% of keeping both, and a 90% chance of keeping at least one.
My sister and I drove down to Salt Lake that day. On the trip down, I called Jack and did my best to explain what was going on. We didn’t really know what to expect, so we decided to have Jack come down the following day. Dr. Belfort had said to plan on staying in Salt Lake for about two weeks after surgery, and then he changed it to a few days. It was such a helpless feeling on the drive down there. I didn’t understand how this had happened, or exactly how the surgery was going to fix things. I didn’t understand the TTTS very well and I was a little unsure of what it meant for my girls. I was stressed out about Jack not being there with me and that we still didn’t have insurance cards. I was just so naive about everything. I had planned on having Cambria and Cobie stay with me after the surgery. I had even thought about taking them to the Children’s Museum on a day I didn’t have to go into the doctor. I really didn’t understand what we were in for.
The next morning, on July 6th, my sister and I went shopping for a little while as we waited for Jack to get to Salt Lake. After Jack arrived, we went to my appointment at St. Marks at 12:00, but didn’t even see a doctor until 1:45. It was a very long wait. One of the first miracles we experienced was that Jack was able to get a hold of the insurance company and get our policy numbers just minutes before I saw the doctors. Finally we went back to the exam room where we met Dr. Ball and Dr. Belfort. They did an ultrasound to make sure that surgery was the right solution. Charlie was being a little wiggle worm, like she always was during ultrasounds, so they had a tough time getting some of her statistics. They drew a map on my stomach of where each baby was, where their cords attached to the placenta, etc. It looked pretty confusing.
After the ultrasound, Dr. Ball sat down with us and went over all of our options and the risks of the surgery. During the consultation, he gave us a lot of options. He said that we could do nothing and probably lose both babies within a few weeks, or we could have them go in and stop the heart of one or both babies. If we stopped one of their hearts, it might give the other baby a better chance. Obviously that was not an option for us. We were not going to make a decision like that; I could not possibly choose between my babies. Heavenly Father had sent them both to me for a reason. He obviously had a plan for each of them, and I was not going to interfere with that. The option of stopping both of their hearts seemed ridiculous. They said that if we felt that our family wasn’t prepared to face the possibility of having a child with brain damage this would be the only option, because one or both babies may be facing severe brain damage. Again, that was a decision that we did not feel was ours to make. We didn’t even have to talk about it before we opted for the surgery. Dr. Ball didn’t seem too optimistic about being able to save both babies, but we felt like he agreed with our decision, and the goal of the surgery was to save both of them. Before surgery, the doctor’s were mostly concerned about Charlie not making it through. Since she was the recipient baby, the surgery would be more of a shock to her system than to Chelsie’s.
We were immediately taken to labor and delivery where they put in my IV and filled out paper work. The Maternal Fetal Medicine team was doing a study on twin-to-twin transfusion that they wanted me to be part of. I had to sign some papers that basically just said that they could have the placenta after delivery. They wanted to do some tests on it to see if they had gotten everything they needed to, etc. While we were alone in the room, Jack gave me a blessing that said that the babies would be fine and to remember that we are an eternal family. The nurses came back in and shipped me to Pre-Op. I was so scared. Jack and I both cried as we said good-bye in the waiting room. We just held each other for a few minutes and tried to figure out what was going on.
I went in for surgery and Natalie and Jack went to dinner. In the Operating Room, the nurse gave me some “loopy” medicine before they gave me a spinal, so I don’t remember getting the spinal. I remember them saying, “Now when you feel a poke, lean back into it”. I never felt the poke. When I woke up, they were just finishing the surgery. They were sliding me onto another bed to wheel me back to my room. I asked the nurse how everything went and if the babies were okay. She gave me an unconvincing, “Yes”.
Back in my room, Jack and Natalie were talking to Dr. Ball as I got wheeled back in. Dr. Ball told Jack, “The girls did great—all three of them.” He said that they were able to burn about 90% of the blood vessels they were hoping to. He seemed a lot more positive about the surgery than he had in his office just a few hours earlier. The doctors had told us that they wouldn’t do an ultrasound until the next morning, but just a few hours after Dr. Ball left, Dr. Belfort came in with an ultrasound machine. He seemed pretty nervous as he was getting the machine hooked up, but we could still see two heartbeats. He said the ultrasound the next morning would tell us more. I had to stay in the hospital overnight so they could monitor my contractions. Things were getting a little hard to process at this point. Just a few days earlier I had thought everything was fine, and now I was facing the possibility of losing both of my babies.
The night in the hospital went fine, and Dr. Belfort came in the next morning to see how things were going. I was pretty sure I had felt both babies moving during the night, but I was still very nervous before the ultrasound. Dr. Belfort was not very sensitive either. As he was setting up the ultrasound machine he said, “Well, here’s our moment of truth. Please, Lord.” And then he said, “Let’s see if there are any alive babies in there.” That’s not really something you should say to an expecting mom. He started the ultrasound and went to find Chelsie’s heart beat first since they were mostly concerned about Charlie not making it through the surgery. He found Chelsie’s heartbeat and then said, “I’m pretty optimistic because I can see the other one kicking her.” Charlie had a habit of kicking Chelsie in the head. Then he went and found Charlie’s heartbeat and was very excited.
Both babies were already showing improvement. Charlie’s signs of heart failure had disappeared and Chelsie had a little fluid around her and we could see her bladder for the first time. We were all very excited and thought that things were truly going to be all right.
I got to leave the hospital that day, but had to be on strict bed rest until the next morning when I had an appointment at St. Marks again. I thought it was kind of cute how protective Dr. Belfort was getting of us. He told me that when we came in the next morning for the appointment to make sure to ask for him or else Dr. Ball would try to steal us away. He said they both get a little possessive of their twin-to-twin patients. I left the hospital a little scared, but still feeling like everything was going to be fine from here on out.
I stayed alone in a hotel that night because Jack had to get home for work. I didn’t sleep well because I was thinking about everything that could go wrong. I prayed a lot that night and finally felt comforted that everything was going to be all right. In the morning my Dad and my brother came up to get me from the hotel and take me to my appointment. At the appointment, Dr. Ball and Dr. Belfort said it would be okay if I went home, but said that I would need to have two ultrasounds a week until I delivered, just to make sure the babies were growing alright. They were still worried about Chelsie’s kidneys and whether or not she had enough of the placenta to make it to delivery. The early ultrasounds had shown that the girls were sharing the placenta 80/20 rather than 50/50. They said that Charlie was pretty much out of the woods as long as the vessels that they’d burned didn’t start transferring blood again. They still wouldn’t say that they were optimistic about the outcome, but things were definitely looking better.
That night, after returning from Salt Lake, I had a little emotional breakdown in front of Jack. It had been really hard trying to take in all that had happened. I let some of those little doubts come into my head, and it was all more than I could deal with. Jack talked to me and calmed me down. As I was laying in bed saying my prayers that night, I was asking Heavenly Father to please be with me and my babies. I asked Him to please show His hand in this pregnancy. Right then I heard a very strong, quiet, distant voice say, “I have been.” It put a smile on my face and calmed some of the fears I had. I knew that Heavenly Father was watching over my little girls.
On Wednesday, July 11th, I had an ultrasound with Dr. Belfort in Idaho Falls. He found that Chelsie had urine in her bladder and some fluid in her sac. We were very excited about that. He took several pictures and said that his staff back in Utah would be very excited to see them. He said, “You don’t even know how huge this is!!” He also said that she was still not showing any signs of heart failure. He measured the fluid in Charlie’s sac and found that it was not returning, so that was very good. That was the first time that he said he was, “cautiously optimistic”, so that made me feel very good. On the way home from the appointment I called Natalie to tell her that there was fluid in Chelsie’s sac. Then I told her not to worry, I wouldn’t call her every time one of my children peed, but I was very excited about it this time. I knew everything was going to be all right and that the girls would be fine.
I had another ultrasound on the 18th and both of the babies looked great. There was more fluid in Chelsie’s sac and her bladder was bigger than it was the week before. Charlie’s measurements showed that she weighed about 1 lb. 1 oz and Chelsie’s showed that she weighed about 9 oz. Chelsie was still about 2 weeks behind Charlie, but Charlie was right on schedule. At that appointment we saw that Chelsie had kicked a hole in some of the membranes surrounding her, so there were pieces of membrane just floating around with her. Dr. Belfort said that it usually isn’t a problem, but if one of her arms or toes or something were to get tangled up in it, it could be amputated. Just one more thing to worry about I guess. But he also said that at that stage of pregnancy, the baby would probably be strong enough to break free or wiggle loose.
The other problem we found at that ultrasound was that my cervix was getting shorter. Dr. Belfort suggested that I go in the next day to have a procedure done where they would put a stitch in my cervix to keep it from shortening anymore and me going into labor. Jack and I were both very discouraged that night. It seemed like there was just one problem after another being thrown at us. We knew that Jack would be leaving in just two days for Virginia, and here we were facing the possibility of me being in the hospital when he left. Just when we’d start to feel like things were going to be alright, something new would happen and make us start doubting that again. That night we went to the Stake Center to get our temple recommends signed, and the whole Stake Presidency was there. We asked them to give us blessings. We sat down with them, told them everything that was going on, and then they gave us blessings. In the blessing the Stake President said that we would have the chance to hold the girls in our arms and bring them home. We both felt much better afterwards.
That was just one of many blessings we had during that time. Our home teacher was probably getting tired of coming over to give me blessings. I remember one blessing in particular he gave said that my body would be healthy enough to carry the babies and that they would be just fine. Jack and I also talked several times with our Bishop and he counseled me that in those times that I started to feel discouraged and doubtful, to remember the words of the blessings I’d been given and draw strength from them. I clung to those words many times in the following days and weeks. When I would start to get discouraged, I would remember that counsel and feel peace that things would be okay, and that I would carry the babies until they were healthy, and that I would hold them in my arms and bring them home with me. With all my heart I felt like, even though it would be hard road, the babies would both make it through and they would be fine.
On July 19th, I went and had the circlauge put in. They took me to the O.R. and said they were going to give me a spinal. I’d just had one a few weeks earlier that was no big deal, so I was not expecting what happened. This time when they told me to lean back into the poke, I definitely felt it. I thought they were trying to stab my heart through my back. That procedure had to be one of the most embarrassing experiences of my life. There I was laying on the exam table, in stirrups, the table tilted back, bearing my all to the world as 10-15 people were roaming around getting things ready for the procedure. And to make it worse, they thought they needed to talk to me. I couldn’t have any “loopy” medicine this time because they didn’t want to give the babies any more medicine than they had to. So, even though I would have preferred it if they would have pretended I wasn’t actually there, they felt it necessary to have full conversations with me. I remember one guy (there were several in there) saying, “don’t worry, even though this is uncomfortable for you, we do this all the time. It’s no big deal”. I felt like decking him.
After the procedure, I was in my room waiting to hear if I would be able to go home or not when I heard Cambria talking in the hall. She came in carrying a huge bouquet of bright colored daisies. She was proud as she could be of those flowers. She came in and gave them to me with a big smile on her face. Then in walked Cobie dragging a single red rose behind him, and a huge smile on his face. The rose was missing most of its pedals, but it was sure cute watching Cobie. He then proceeded to use the rose as a bat for the rest of the time he was there. My doctor came in and I begged her to let me go home. She wanted me to stay overnight, but with Jack leaving in the morning to go to Virginia, I thought it would be easier on him if I were at home rather than in the hospital. Finally she agreed to let me go if I would stay on strict bed rest. I agreed to be good and we got ready to leave. On the way out to the van, I saw that Cobie’s rose had laid a path of rose pedals for me to follow. It was very cute.
The kids stayed at my mom and dad’s that night so I could stay down. I got up early with Jack the next morning to see him off. I was a little nervous about being home alone while he was gone, but we had set up that I would stay at my parents’ house on weekends and with my aunt and uncle during the week while I was on bed rest. I stayed at home alone for most of the day on Friday while the kids were with my mom. Then later in the day, my parents came and got me, we went and looked at their house (they were in the middle of building it), and then we just went to their apartment and hung out for the rest of the night. That night Cambria, Cobie, and I slept in their spare room. Cambria slept on the floor and Cobie slept in the bed with me. It was fun to have a little sleepover with my kids. I didn’t realize that that night would be the last one I'd spend with my kids for a while.
Saturday morning Mom and I had planned to go up to T.J. and Shilowe’s house to see how their garage sale was coming, we never made it. Mom had taken the kids to the store with her to buy a sprinkler while I rested, and then they were going to come get me. Right before they left, I went into the bathroom. As I sat down, I felt fluid leak like my water had broken. I knew that couldn’t be good, but I didn’t want to worry Mom, so I didn’t say anything. After she left, I went back into the bathroom and saw that I was still leaking fluid. I was so scared. I was only 22 weeks along and I knew this couldn’t be good. I called Natalie to see what she thought I should do. Luckily she was working at Mountain View Hospital and told me to come over and she would check me to see if it was amniotic fluid that was leaking. I cried and prayed and hoped everything would be alright. When Mom pulled up with the kids, I got in the car and told her there had been a change of plans.
When we got to Mountain View, Natalie tested the fluid and determined that it was definitely amniotic fluid. She looked at me and said, “It’s pretty blue” (meaning the test strip she’d used). I said, “Shit”; she said, “Yeah”. I don’t know if I’d ever been that scared in my life. Natalie called my doctor and sent me over to EIRMC. When we got to EIRMC, I headed straight to labor and delivery. By the time we got there, my pants were soaking. I had Mom drop me off at the front of the building so I could just go in while she parked the car. They put me in a room right away, but we sat there for hours watching SpongeBob SquarePants before anyone did anything. Finally they started my IV, gave me some antibiotics, and admitted me.
The next two and half weeks are a blur for both Jack and me. I’ll try to describe everything I can remember with Jack’s help, but I’m sure dates will be off, things will be out of order, and a lot will be left out.
I was moved to the Women’s Center where I was put on strict bed rest. They wouldn’t even let me get up to go to the bathroom. Every day the labor and delivery nurses would come in and do NSTs (Non Stress Tests) on the babies to track the babies’ heart rates. I was on an absurd amount of antibiotics—7 pills a day—because the risk of infection was very high since my water had broken. I had so many visitors during those days that I can’t even remember all of them. I had ward members, friends, and family members that came and visited me every day. I always had people calling, asking if they could bring me anything or do anything for me. My big brother came up and visited several times after school, and Natalie would come over after work and shave my legs for me. I really got to see how many people cared about us while we were in the hospital.
The kids stayed with an assortment of family members while Jack was gone and I was in the hospital. They would come up almost every night and see me. I loved having them come in. I missed them so much. It was also nice when Jack would call from Virginia each night. I missed him and I could tell that it was extremely difficult on him being away from all of us. Jack later told me that the two weeks he was away from us was the hardest challenge he had ever faced. As our situation went from bad to worse, he was starting to get scared to call home each night for fear of what he would hear next. He relied a lot on prayer.
The visits and phone calls were so nice, but most of the time I was alone. That was very difficult, especially on those days when I was hurting so bad and worried about the girls. I have never felt so alone in all my life. There were times I would just lay there and cry and pray and ask Heavenly Father to please send some comfort, anything. During those times I got a much better understanding of what my Savior went through for me in the Garden of Gethsemane. I understood more about how truly alone He must have felt as He faced the most difficult thing He’d ever have to do and knew that he would be doing it alone.
I remember one particularly bad night I called Jack in tears. I had been having trouble breathing for a few days and the doctors thought that I might have a blood clot in my lung that had passed through my heart. I had spent the day fighting for breath and fearing what was going to happen. One of the medicines they were giving me to stop the contractions made my heart race. My heart rate would stay at about 150 bpm for hours at a time. It was giving me horrible headaches that no medicine would touch. I felt so bad calling Jack and making him worry, but I needed him so bad. I felt so alone it hurt. After just a few minutes of talking to Jack on the phone, my heart rate dropped, my breath was coming easier, and I started feeling so much better. I remember how thankful I was that night to have him in my life.
The doctors started treating me for a blood clot, even though they couldn’t find it on ultrasound. I showed all the symptoms, but they didn’t want to do more tests than necessary because they didn’t want to expose the babies to any more radiation than they absolutely had to. The doctors said that putting me on blood thinners wouldn’t hurt the babies at all, and it would keep the clot from getting bigger, if there was one. During the ultrasound to find the blood clot, though, they thought they found a hole in my heart. One of the internal medicine doctors came in a few days later and said, “It’s nothing to worry about right now, but here in a few months, you may have to have a heart transplant.” Again, not something you should tell a patient in the hospital. So I laid there and “didn’t worry” about it for a few more weeks.
After I told Jack about the blood clot, he called his bosses and asked them what his options were. He’d signed a contract with them saying that if he dropped out of the school, he would have to reimburse them the cost of his background check, travel, schooling, etc. At that point it would have been about $150,000. But he was also facing the possibility of losing two of his daughters and his wife. Luckily he worked for some wonderful men who told him to unenroll from the school and get home; they’d work out the kinks later. I was so glad he was coming home. I missed him so much, and the kids really needed him. I can’t imagine how hard it was on him being so far from us when we all needed him so badly.
During those weeks in the Women’s Center I had several other ultrasounds with Dr. Ball and Dr. Belfort. The ultrasounds all showed that the babies were doing really great. Chelsie had even more fluid around her, fluid in her bladder, and she was growing a little. Charlie’s heart as looking great and the fluid around her wasn’t returning. I really thought we would stay in the hospital like that for months, and I was okay with that.
I had some pretty tough times in the hospital, though. Each time something bad would happen, I would be so afraid for the babies. But then I would remember back on the counsel my bishop had given me about remembering what my priesthood blessings had said, and I’d feel at peace. There were days when I really believed everything was going to be alright.
There was one day when my doctor was out of town, that my contractions started getting really bad and no one would do anything. My nurses would come in and I would say, “These contractions are getting really hard and really close together”. They would just look at the monitor strip and say, “Yeah, they sure are,” and leave it at that. They weren’t giving me medicine to stop them and I was getting very worried. Finally one of my nurses came in and I asked if anyone had even tried to get a hold of my doctor. Anotehr doctor had been taking her patients for her, but I hadn’t seen him all day either. My nurse said that my doctor was out of town, but I insisted that they try her cell phone. When they got a hold of her, she was pretty upset that no one had called her earlier. She ordered some medicine to stop the contractions, and it started working.
At some point during my hospital stay, one of the Women’s Center nurses, Kristee, suggested to my doctor that I be given an airbed instead of those uncomfortable hospital beds. She said it would be more comfortable and help with the preterm labor. She was right, it was SO much more comfortable, but also a little more dangerous—especially with Cobie around. Several times while he would be visiting, he would go to the machine that kept the bed inflated and push the big, red, shiny CPR button, and the mattress would flatten to the bed frame. Then I’d have to call for a nurse to come re-inflate me. In fact, when Jack got back, he accidently unplugged it too. “Like father, like son”.
Once Jack got back in town, things seemed to get a little easier. It was nice being able to see him every day. He would come up and help the nurses give me baths every once in awhile. And he always brought me food anytime I’d ask for it, even though I hardly ever ate any of it. Everything was going pretty well until Tuesday, August 7.
Tuesday morning I woke up at about 8:00 and immediately started having contractions that were only about 3-6 minutes apart. They were starting to get pretty bad. I’d don’t remember most of that day, so what I write here is memories from a fog of morphine and what other people have told me. I’m still not sure if I was given anything to stop the contractions or not, but if I was, it didn’t work. The same goes for pain medicine. I know they gave me morphine, but it didn’t do anything for the pain. All it did was make me see cobwebs on the ceiling. I remember trying to wipe them off of my IV pole. I kept thinking, “Well, that can’t be sanitary.”
Eventually they moved me out of Women’s Center and into Labor and Delivery. I don’t really remember that very much. They had me on full oxygen, but every time I would take a breath, it felt like I was breathing in razor blades, so I kept trying to take it off. Then they told me that the babies weren’t getting enough oxygen, so I didn’t take it off again until after Charlie was born.
At some point in the day, I decided to call Jack and ask him to come home from work. I didn’t know for sure that we were going to be having the babies, but I was scared and I needed him there. But he’d forgotten his cell phone, and I didn’t know a number to reach him at. I tried calling his mom to see if she could keep trying to get a hold of him, but she didn’t answer either. I remember feeling very alone right then—I was hurting, I was scared, and I couldn’t reach anyone.
The monitors stayed on the babies the whole day. With each contraction, both babies’ heart rates would drop. I could see that every nurse that walked into my room was very afraid of what was going to happen.
Jack finally called me on my cell phone while the doctor was in the room. I asked him if he could come home, but at first he was a little reluctant. He only had a limited number of hours he could take off of work, and he hadn’t worked at his job long enough to get his vacation time. But then I had him talk to my doctor and I heard her say, “either way, you should probably be here. She needs you.” He left work and headed into town. He made a few stops along the way to pay some bills. He had a feeling that we might be in for a long few days.
My mom and Jack's mom had been trying to reach me on the phone all morning, and neither of them could. Mom finally left work and came to the hospital to see what was going on. I don’t remember her coming in, but I do remember how relieved I was each time I’d look up and see her there. It was so nice to not be alone.
I don’t know when, but sometime early in the day my doctor came in and told me that my kidneys had shut down. She also said, “We really don’t think the little one is going to make it.” I remember crying later and putting my hand on my stomach over Chelsie and telling her to be strong and that I loved her.
Jack finally got to the hospital. He told me later that the first time he walked into my room that day, he had to turn around and go out to compose himself before coming back in. I don’t think he expected to see me in that condition. I remember him sitting by my bedside and holding my hand. I remember looking into his eyes and trying to convey to him my fears. The oxygen was still burning my throat, but I didn’t want to take it off even to talk to him. His fears of losing his wife now seemed to be a great possibility. He said that he thought my eyes were telling him good-bye.
Eventually it was decided that I needed to be moved into the ICU to deliver. While we were still in Labor and Delivery my contractions started getting really bad. As much as I tried to not push, I was pushing anyway. The doctors were afraid that if they didn’t get the circlauge out in time I would rip through it and bleed to death, or my cervix would clamp down and not reopen. That would cause me to have to have a C-section. But because I was on blood thinners, they didn’t want to do that either. They also knew that the second they cut the circlauge, I would be having the babies. It was a very tricky situation. My contractions had started at 8:00 in the morning, and we moved to the ICU at about 7:00 that night.
We got to the ICU as the babies’ team was setting up a NICU in the next room. Dr. Clark was the head specialist on TTTS from Salt Lake. He was fishing in Montana when he got the call about our situation and left his boat on the river and drove to Idaho Falls. He became the spokesman for the whole operation. He started to tell us what they were planning on doing. During his explanation he said, “Now you know the little one doesn’t have a heartbeat, right?” So that’s how I found out that we’d lost little Chelsie. Our runt hadn’t made it. I nodded my head yes as Jack started to cry, but we hadn’t known for sure until right then.
The doctors didn’t want to give me more pain medicine, but the circlauge had to be cut. When it was time to cut it, it was the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through. My doctor had to get to my cervix, cut the circlauge, and not give me pain medicine. I thought she was trying to kill me. I’ve always told Jack that I’d never be one of those women who screams during labor, but that whole theory went out the window that day. I screamed!! A LOT!!! I didn’t swear though. In fact, Jack still makes fun of me for saying “Oww Ieee!!” I told him that was just my polite way of telling the doctor to keep her hands to herself.
Charlie Belle Klein was born at 8:07 p.m. She was so tiny. I barely saw her before they rushed her away, but I knew she was tiny. They took her into the next room and worked on her to see if she would fight hard enough to make it worth taking her down to the real NICU. She was a fighter, and right after Chelsie was born, they rushed Charlie downstairs. Jack was able to go in the other room with her for a few minutes and then go and tell our family that she’d been born. He got back just in time for Chelsie to be born.
After Charlie was born, my body just stopped contracting. I was a little nervous that nothing was happening, but then all of a sudden the contractions started again. My body hurt so bad. I’d been on bed rest for 2 ½ weeks, hardly moving at all. I had no muscles left to push, but somehow we made it through.
Chelsie Bethe Klein was born at 8:27 p.m. As she came out, I wasn’t sure if it was her or a blood clot. I asked, “Is that her?” My doctor said, “Yes, but she’d not alive.” I said, “Can I hold her?” They laid her on my tummy and let me hold her. She was so tiny. But, oh, she was beautiful. The first thing I noticed about her was that she looked a lot like Cobie. She had both of her hands snuggled up to her face—just like in all of the ultrasounds. She looked so peaceful and perfect. They took her for a minute and cleaned her up. Then they wrapped her in a washcloth and a small flannel blanket and gave her back to me. She was so beautiful, our sleeping angel.
We had our family come in and hold her. We took pictures as each person held her. Natalie had gone over to Mountain View and gotten one of the burial gowns I’d made and donated a year earlier. She took Chelsie downstairs and washed her, put bows on her head (she didn’t have any hair), and dressed her in the gown. Then Natalie brought her back up to me and we took more pictures. I was so tired by this time. Even though she only weighed 12 ounces, I could barely lift her. I cried a lot while I held her. I told her I loved her and that I was sorry I hadn’t made her stronger. After our family had left, we spent a few more hours with her before calling the funeral home to come get her. They were so good and patient. I appreciated the respect they showed to us, and especially to Chelsie. I gave her one last kiss before he took her away. One of the hardest moments for Jack was when he handed little Chelsie over to the funeral director. He broke down as the funeral director left. He later said that it was a very difficult thing to do.
Later that night after everyone had left and I could get some sleep, I had a dream I will never forget about Chelsie, but it is too personal to share here.
The day after the girls were born, Wednesday, the ICU nurse wanted me to start trying to get out of bed a little. She had me sitting in a chair in my room, and I was talking to my brother who had come up to visit. All of a sudden I felt blood gushing. I said, “I think I’m gushing blood.” He said, “Do you need your nurse?” Right then blood covered the floor. He said, “You need a nurse”, and went running out of the room. It looked like a crime scene in my room. The nurse that my brother went to get thought he was a doctor, so she wasn’t hurrying very much. When he told her that he was just my brother, she started moving a little faster. Within seconds I had about five people in my room hurrying me onto the bed. They tore my gown off and tried to figure out what was going on.
Meanwhile, my brother went out to call Mom and Dad and Jack. Mom and Dad came to the door and peaked in. When they saw how many people were in there, they decided not to come in. I’m glad they made that decision. One thing I learned in the ICU is that they don’t really care who sees you naked. They wouldn’t let Jack into the room until they got the blood cleaned up; they thought it would scare him. So by the time Jack got in there, I felt like I was having contractions again. I lost a lot of blood, and then everything just stopped. They finally determined that after deliver my uterus hadn’t clamped back down, and that’s what was happening. I ended up having to have a blood transfusion, they gave me two units of blood. After that, Jack told the nurses to not allow any more visitors for the night. I appreciated that.
The next day, Thursday, I finally got to go see Charlie. Jack came up to the hospital and helped me get some real clothes on to go down to the NICU. He had to go buy some men’s pajama pants for me because I was so swollen that nothing I owned would have fit. My thighs were bigger around than Jack’s. I gained almost 20 pounds overnight after they gave me the blood. I think I weighed 178 at one point.
I was so excited to go see Charlie. The nurse wanted me to walk as far as I could and just push the wheelchair in front of me. As I went past the nurses’ station, they all cheered for me. I only made it to the elevator before I decided I’d better ride rather than walk. I was already starting to feel dizzy, and I wanted to feel good when I saw Charlie. When we got to the NICU, I sat in my wheelchair by her little bed. As soon as I saw her I started crying. She was so little. I put on a rubber glove and put my hand in her bed to hold her hand. She was wearing her sunglasses, so I took them off so I could see her face. She was so pretty. As I sat there I cried and told her I was sorry for not carrying her longer and making her healthier. I told her how much I loved her and to be brave and strong. When I’d touch her feet she’d pull back like it tickled, and when I’d put my finger in her hand, she’d hold it. Her eyes were still fused, but she kept trying to open them. She was so adorable. I remember thinking how perfect she was and how brave she was.
Her doctor, Shannon Jenkins, said she was doing so much better than he could have hoped, so that made us feel good. He said that for as little as she was, she was doing awesome. I could only stay for a few minutes, and then it was time to go. I told Charlie good-bye and that I loved her and I’d come back as soon as I could. Then they took me back up to the ICU.
Earlier in the day they had drawn blood and decided that I was really anemic and needed iron. Normal blood levels are 39, and mine measured at 14. They started a one hour test drip to see if I would tolerate it alright, and everything went fine. So at 4:00 p.m. they started the six hour iron drip. That was the most horrible stuff I’ve ever had. While it was still going, they took me back down to Women’s Center. I was so glad to get out of the ICU. At least in Women’s Center I could get out of bed by myself and have the possibility of going across the hall to see Charlie.
The iron was supposed to be done at 10:00 p.m., so I watched the clock constantly just to get my mind off how sick I was. Ten o’clock came and went, and the iron still wasn’t done. Finally at 10:30, I didn’t think I could handle another second of it. I seriously considered ripping it out of my arm, but decided against it. My head hurt, I felt like throwing up, there was a horrible taste in my mouth, and I was sweating and freezing at the same time. I really wondered if that’s what it would feel like to die. When I had just about had it, I asked Jack to give me a blessing and he did. I remember that as he put his hands on my head, they felt like they were burning my face. He gave me a blessing of strength as I watched the iron bag drain. I can still see the IV tube as it turned from the rust color of the iron to the clear tubing. I remember laying there counting to see how long it would take for the clear part to hit the pump so it would beep and I could call my nurse and have her come turn it off. I think the pump and my call to the nurses rang at the same time.
The nurse came in and unhooked the iron and started the regular IV solution. I remember being so mad that there was still some iron in the IV line in my hand. It wasn’t much, but I didn’t want one more drop in my body. I was already mad that it had taken 45 minutes longer than they said it would. They said I could go in and see Charlie after the iron finished, but by the time it was done, it was too late and I was too sick to go in. I’d asked Jack to stay the night with me, and I’m so glad he did. I really needed him that night. Neither of us got much sleep even though the nurses were nice enough to move an extra bed into my room for Jack.
Friday was pretty uneventful. I went in and saw Charlie that day. She looked so good. She just kept improving each day and all the nurses would tell us how great she was doing. She was such a doll. I was finally able to get up and around on my own a little, so each time I’d pump (which wasn’t very often because I was still so weak) I’d take it over to the NICU and visit Charlie. We were so impressed with Dr. Jenkins, Charlie’s doctor. It seemed like every time we went in to see Charlie, he was there with her.
I also got to take a shower on Friday for the first time since I went in the hospital. Some of the nurses had given me sponge baths before I went to the ICU, but I hadn’t really gotten to clean up at all since the delivery. Jack came up and helped me shower. I was still so swollen that I couldn’t lift my leg over the side of the tub. I had to pull my leg up with my arms just to get in there. They brought in a bath chair and Jack shampooed my hair and he even shaved my legs. It felt so good to have a shower. I teased Jack that they’d have to get their drains cleaned out after I was done since I had three weeks of grime caked on me.
Saturday morning we had scheduled for the funeral home to come up and help us finalize the program for Chelsie’s service. Jack had gone in to the funeral home earlier and picked out her casket and told me that he’d have them bring it up with them so I could see it. When the funeral director showed up, he had it wrapped in a blanket. We talked for a minute and then I said, “Is that the casket Jack picked out?” He hesitated for a second and then said, “Yeah, and, I don’t know if Jack told you about this or not, but I brought her back up with me so you could hold her.” I‘d been telling Jack how awful I felt because I didn’t think I’d gotten enough time with her. And I was too sick to even enjoy the time I did spend holding her. I was so glad when he said he’d brought her back up to me. He unwrapped the casket and handed her to me and said he’d wait in the hall until Jack got there.
Chelsie looked so good that day. Her skin had been dark when she was born because of the lack of oxygen, but now her skin had turned pink and she looked so beautiful in her dress. I held her and talked to her and fixed the bow on her dress so it was straight. I took a lot of pictures of her. I was very grateful for that time with her. When Jack arrived, he came in for a few minutes and then we had the funeral director come in and fill out papers with us. I held her the whole time. Her service was set for Tuesday, August 14th. I’d written a poem for her the night before that I wanted on her program. It went like this:
I dreamed of your birth, as a mother always does,
Knowing God would bring you here from up above.
Silently He kissed you and placed you by my side,
Holding my hand as I held you, knowing I’d never hear you cry.
Some will say you did not live, but I know that is not right.
I heard your heart, I felt you move, every day and night.
You’ll be with me forever, I will carry you in my heart
Until one day we meet again, never to be apart.
After the funeral director left, I threw up. It was just so hard to sit up for any amount of time.
At about 6:00 that night, I was resting when all of a sudden I realized that no one besides Jack and me had been able to see Charlie. Natalie had taken Chelsie in the night they were born so Charlie could say good-bye, but since then, Jack and I had been her only visitors. I felt like we needed to have her grandparents go in and see her. I immediately called Mom and Dad and Jack's mom to see if they were planning on coming up that night. I told them that when they came, I’d take them in to see Charlie.
Mom and Dad came up a few hours later. Since I still couldn’t stand very long, I went back with Dad while Mom waited up front. Then I came and sat down at the front while Mom went back with Dad to see Charlie. As I sat there, I talked to a couple who had just had twin grandchildren born, a boy and a girl. They each weighed about five pounds. It was really nice to talk to them. I told them what was going on with us and that I was really happy that their grandkids were healthy. They were really nice and wished us good luck.
Jack's mom and step -dad came up later that night and got to go in and see Charlie. Charlie looked so good. Her doctors were amazed at how well she was doing. She had a little fluid on her brain, but Dr. Jenkins said that was pretty typical of a baby her age. He was still very optimistic about her.
Late that night, I took some breast milk into the NICU. Charlie’s nurse had just changed her diaper and was getting ready to feed her. She said, “Would you like to do it?” I was so excited. Feeding her was so fun. I just had to hold a syringe as the breast milk drained through a tube into her stomach, but it still was nice to be able to do something for her. I felt so useless sitting next to her most of the time. Here was my little girl fighting for her life, and I could do nothing. I couldn’t even hold her and kiss her or tell her that everything was going to be alright.
Sunday morning one of the Internal Medicine doctors came in and asked me what he could do for me that day. I said, “Send me home, my kids need me.” Cambria and Cobie had done so well up until the past few days. But now they were starting to get some separation anxiety and just needed Mommy to be home. Dr. Cook said he’d see what he could do, but he’d rather wait until the morning.
Later that morning Jack brought the kids up to the hospital to see me. They hadn’t seen me out of bed in almost a month, so when I heard them in the hall, I got up to greet them. Cobie came in first and when he saw me, he ran towards me to give me a big hug. I bent down to catch him, and he tackled me to the floor. I wasn’t very strong yet. We decided to take the kids for a walk outside and try to do something normal. I felt so bad for them. They were so loved while I was in the hospital, but I could tell it was starting to wear on them that Mom and Dad were always gone. I was going to try to walk with them, but by the time we got to the front lobby, I was sweating and having chest pain, so I decided to ride in the wheelchair we’d brought with us. The kids sat on my lap while Jack pushed us outside and down the sidewalk. It was fun to get outside and breathe fresh air. All together we probably only went about 250 yards, but by the time we got back, Jack had to practically run back to the room because I felt sick. I threw up while Jack and the kids took the wheelchair back to the nurses’ station. I was beginning to think that maybe I wasn’t ready to go home after all.
Jack and I were supposed to have our “Stork Dinner” Sunday night, but the doctor came in and said, “What was the one thing you wanted me to do for you today?” I said, “Send me home.” He said, “Okay.” I was so excited. I’d been in the hospital for 22 days and I was ready to leave. I called Jack and he came up to the hospital to get me. We were ready to go before dinner was ready, so we just left without it—I didn’t want to be there for one minute longer than I had to be.
Before I left I went in and told Charlie that they were letting Mommy go home but I’d be back every day to see her. I cried as I talked to her. It was hard knowing that I would be leaving the hospital without my baby—again. I should have talked to her nurses, but I didn’t even think about it. That’s one of the things I’ve felt guilty for ever since.
The next day, Monday the 13th, Jack and the kids were out mowing the lawn when Dr. Jenkins called. He said they’d done another ultrasound of Charlie’s head and she had a little more fluid on her brain and they were having trouble controlling her blood pressure. He asked me if we wanted him to keep working with her because that extra fluid could cause even more serious brain damage. I told him I wanted him to do everything he could. He asked me at what point he wanted me to stop working with her and I told him that if her body started to shut down, that we’d want to know. I cried as I told Jack what Dr. Jenkins had said.
Jack went in and started doing the dishes. A few minutes later he ran to the bathroom and threw up. When he went back into the kitchen, I went in and talked to him. He started crying and said that he was thinking about how he didn’t want Charlie to grow up being made fun of and it made him sick to think about how cruel kids can be. We both had those same fears. We didn’t want our little girl growing up in a wheelchair, being fed by tubes, and never being able to communicate with us. We both said we’d handle it if that was what our Heavenly Father had in store for us, but it would break our hearts to do it.
My mom came over later in the afternoon so that Jack and I could go visit Charlie. I had several bottles of breast milk to take up to her. On the way up to the hospital, Jack and I talked about how we could never make a decision about when to have Dr. Jenkins stop working with Charlie. I remember that overwhelming feeling of knowing that I was in way over my head. I told Jack that that was a decision no parent should ever have to make. I’m glad we didn’t have to.
We stopped at a medical supply store just down the street from the hospital to rent a breast pump to use while Charlie was in the NICU. When I came out, I saw that Jack was on the phone. As I opened the door to the van, he hung up. He looked at me and said two words I’ll never forget, “She’s dying”. I started to cry. Dr. Jenkins had been on the phone. He’d called our house and Mom had called Jack to have him call Dr. Jenkins. Dr. Jenkins said that Charlie was having seizures and her body was starting to shut down and we needed to get there. I didn’t know how long we’d have with her, but I figured it would be a few days. As we went into the NICU, though, my thinking changed. I put the breast milk in the freezer, washed up, and headed towards her bed. The whole time I kept hearing people say, “They’re here. It’s okay, they’re here.” Charlie’s bed was surrounded by crying nurses, Dr. Jenkins, Dr. Smith-our pediatrician, and the hospital’s social worker. That’s when I realized that this was a “right now” thing, we wouldn’t be getting a few days.
We went and sat down by Charlie’s bed. That was the first day her eyes had been opened, and as we sat down she looked up at us with a look that said, “I’m so glad you’re here.” I felt so bad for not being there sooner. I reached for the gloves as Jack went to talk to Dr. Jenkins. The nurse stopped me and said, “Just reach in there and hold her hand.” I still remember the feel of her skin as I touched it for the first time. She was so soft and warm. We sat there holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes. I sobbed as I sat there telling her how sorry I was and how much I loved her. She looked sick. That was the first day that she ever really looked like she didn’t feel good.
The social worker kept telling me what Dr. Jenkins was telling Jack. After a few minutes, Dr. Jenkins came over to me and asked if I had any questions for him. I could barely breathe as I asked him, “Is she going to die?” I broke down when he said, “Yes, I think she is.” He explained that he had been unable to control her pH levels all day and that her blood was just too acidic. He said he’d tried everything and nothing seemed to help. I asked him, “Can I just hold her?” He said that they would take us to a room where we could have some privacy and we could hold her until she was gone. We asked if we could have a minute alone with her before they unhooked her from the machines. Jack put his hand on her little head and gave her a name and blessing and released her to our Heavenly Father. He blessed her that as she passed, there would be no pain and no fear.
I called my mom, who was still with the kids, and said, “I know you don’t have car seats or anything, but can you bring the kids up to the hospital?” She asked, “Is everything okay?” I said, “She’s not going to make it.” Mom started to cry as she said, “Oh, Sue, I’m so sorry.” Jack also called his mom and she headed up to the hospital. Everyone was so shocked at all of this, including us and Dr. Jenkins. Just the night before he’d told us that Charlie had a 95% chance of survival. Charlie had caught him totally off guard that day and you could see it in his face. He said he thought what had probably happened was that one of her organs had died at birth and it had taken a week for it to start poisoning her body.
The nurses came over and gave Charlie some pain medication and unhooked her from all of the machines, except the oxygen. Then I carried her out of the NICU and into a room across the hall. On the way out, we passed the couple who’d I talked to just two nights earlier. They were waiting to go in and hold their two healthy grandchildren.
Dr. Jenkins said that he’d leave, but when we were ready he would come in and remove the oxygen and she would probably pass pretty quickly after that. I didn’t know if she was cold, or hurting, or uncomfortable, and I didn’t want her to suffer at all, so I told him to go ahead and remove the oxygen. When he was finished he left, but said he’d come back in a few minutes to check her heart beat. He left and Jack and I sat there and cried as we held our angel baby. We told her we loved her and kissed her and held her until Dr. Jenkins came back. He listened to her for two or three minutes and said he heard only one heartbeat that whole time and that he was pretty sure she was gone. He left and we held our second deceased child in less than a week.
When Cambria and Cobie arrived, Mom and Dad waited in the hall while the kids came in. They were in awe of Charlie. Cobie just kept saying, “Hold her”. He wanted to hold her so bad, and Cambria kept asking when Charlie could come home. I told her that Charlie wouldn’t be coming home with us, that she’d gone to live with Heavenly Father like Chelsie had. Cambria started sobbing and said, “But Mommy, I need my baby sisters.” I held her close and said, “Oh, Cambria, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Both of the kids wanted to keep holding and kissing Charlie. We had to keep reminding Cobie to be gentle. He was fascinated by her little eyes and nose. I remember holding Charlie and showing Cambria how perfect her body was. I showed her Charlie’s fingers and toes and hair, and even her little fingernails. I hoped Cambria would remember that and someday be able to draw comfort from knowing that her baby sisters had whole and perfect bodies.
We took pictures of Charlie with each of the kids and with all of our family that had arrived. We’d called Natalie and she’d gone to Mountain View and got the next smallest gown they still had. It was exactly like Chelsie’s. When Natalie arrived, I helped her clean and dress Charlie. It was difficult because Charlie’s poor tummy had been through a lot and it was bleeding quite a bit. We kept putting “plastic skin” bandages on her to help, but it didn’t help a whole lot. We finally got her dressed and took pictures of her in her dress. She looked so beautiful. She had a crooked little mouth that reminded me of her Great Grandpa Martin—Charlie Martin.
When we were done taking pictures, she was bleeding a little and it got on the dress. We took it off of her and cleaned it before the funeral home came. Then we just held her and waited for the funeral director.
He was so sweet and patient when he came for her. I didn’t want to give her to him. It broke my heart to have to hand her over to him. It was physically painful to wrap her in a blanket and hand her to him, knowing I’d never hold her again. As he left he said, “I want you to know that I have little girls too, and I’ll treat her like she was one of my own.” I thanked him and he left.
We were left alone in an empty room. I didn’t even know where to begin putting my life back together. I left the hospital clutching the angel teddy bears the hospital had given to us. That’s all I had left to hold.
We spent the rest of the night trying to find a place to develop the pictures we’d taken of Charlie so we could get one to the funeral home the next day to put on the program along with Chelsie’s. At least I knew the girls would be together again. The kids stayed at my sister’s house that night so Jack and I could get things taken care of.
Tuesday, August 14, Jack and I got up and went into town to get some things done before funeral. We stopped at Subway for breakfast. I told Jack, “I guess it’s fitting that we stop here today.” That was the same restaurant we’d eaten at when I told him I was pregnant and the day we found out we were having twins. While we were eating I realized that August 14th is our temple anniversary. I guess it was only fitting that the girls would be buried on our temple anniversary.
We picked up the pictures of Charlie, returned the breast pump, and took the pictures to the funeral home. Then we went and got the kids so we could get them ready for the service. While the kids napped, Jack went and got Cobie a new suit. We’d gotten Cambria a new dress earlier in the day. Jack had been gone a little over an hour when all of a sudden I got the most panicky feeling. I had to call him and see if everything was alright and if he was safe. That panicky feeling stayed with both Jack and me for quite some time.
At the viewing, Cambria would meet almost everyone at the door and say, “Come see my baby sisters.” Then, as they were looking at the girls she’d say, “They died.” The viewing was very difficult for me. I don’t know what other people thought as they looked at my girls, but they took my breath away they were so beautiful. I missed them so much. I was still so physically weak that nothing really seemed real. I went up to them several times and kissed them and talked to them and fixed their dresses. I told them how much I loved them and that I was sorry for not making them healthier.
The hardest part of the viewing was when they closed the casket. Cambria and Cobie came up and kissed each of the girls. Then I put my hand over Chelsie and Charlie, bent down, and kissed them each one more time. I started crying as I talked to them. My heart was breaking and there was nothing I could do about it. I sat back down in the chair by their casket as Jack and the funeral directors tucked the skirt around them and put the lid on the casket. I sobbed as I held Cobie to me. My heart has never hurt so much in my life. I can’t even describe the sorrow and pain I was feeling.
Jack carried the casket to the funeral home’s van and I started putting the kids in our van. Cambria saw that the girls were not coming with us, and she started sobbing and said, “Mommy, I want my whole family in my car.” It was so sad. She cried for awhile about how she wanted her little sisters, and then she started making up a song. She sang all the way to the cemetery. It was very cute.
The service was beautiful. Most people who came didn’t know they were there for two babies until we got there. Our bishop gave the most beautiful talk and said some things that have since brought me a lot of comfort. Jack battled back tears of his own as he gave a beautiful dedicatory prayer. After the service, Cambria went and got a flower from one of the arrangements and dropped it in the hole with the casket. She said, “My baby sisters would like to play with that.” Cobie knelt down by the hole and waved bye-bye to the girls and blew kisses to them. The funeral was not only emotionally difficult, but physically difficult as well. I was so tired and weak that I was afraid I was going to pass out. That was the longest I’d been out of bed in almost a month. My milk was starting to come in, and I was very uncomfortable.
It seemed like for the next few days, I had too many rude slaps in the face. The day after the funeral we went back to the hospital to return some videos one of the nurses had let me borrow. When she saw us she said, “Oh, are you here to see Charlie?” I felt bad as I had to tell her that Charlie had been buried the day before with her sister. A few days later one of the Internal Medicine doctors asked me if the baby was gaining weight. I felt bad and embarrassed as I had to tell them the story. There were just constant reminders that my babies were gone.
I had a very difficult time understanding priesthood blessings after the girls died. I didn’t understand how I could be given blessings that said I would be healthy and the babies would be healthy and they would be alright, and then have this happen. I asked my bishop about that later and his response made such good sense to me and answered a lot of questions. He said that he thinks sometimes when we receive blessings, the person giving the blessing loves us so much that he wants to give comfort in any way he can. And sometimes that leads him to say things that might not be inspired. But that it is our responsibility as the person receiving the blessing to get on our knees and ask for a confirmation about the blessing. That made me think back on some of those blessings and realize that I’d already known things weren’t going to be alright. From the time we learned that there were problems, in my heart, I’d always known we’d lose at least one of the girls.
Even as I look back at making those dresses to donate to the hospital, I think in my heart I knew that one day I would use one. That is one way my Heavenly Father showed His love for me. It was a comfort to me to know that my twin girls were buried in matching dresses that I had made them.
My babies taught me so many things. They taught me about the Plan of Salvation, eternal families, God’s tender mercies, and mostly, about miracles. Looking back on their short lives I can see a constant stream of miracles, both big and small. I held out hope that God had one more in store for us, but that wasn’t part of His plan for us. Even though my baby girls could not stay with me, I know their lives were miraculous. I can never deny that miracles still happen today.
There are many things I can say I believe, and even more I can say I hope for, but these are the things that I know: I know that Heavenly Father listens to us, even when we are not saying a prayer; I know that He answers prayers we haven’t said yet; and I know that He understands things we do not have the words to express. I know that He shows His love for us in our day to day lives, we just have to stop and take the opportunity to see it. And I know that God has a plan for each of us, whether our lives on earth last hours or decades, there is a plan.
I pray that Chelsie and Charlie know how much I love them and miss them every day. They are truly my angels.
Quotes and Scriptures I love:
What God teaches us in the light, we must not doubt in the darkness.
Some people only dream of angels, we held two in our arms.
2 Corinthians 4: 8-9: “We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.”
Yesterday for your birthday we went to the cemetary and cleaned off your headstone. Then we frosted cupcakes and blew out candles. Jaxon was more excited about trying each and every cupcake than just sticking to one, but it was fun. Cambria and Cobie helped Daddy brush off your headstone and they blew out the candles for you. We let balloons go and left one for you girls to share. We also left some stuffed animals. Cobie was sad because he had wanted to "sleep at your stone" the night before, but I told him he couldn't.
